Binging - not so much with the Ninja training

Annoyed at Google for NOT saving my draft, and then timing out after I sent my last post. Grrr.

Anyway, in the just four days short of 17 months that I've been on Weight Watchers, I've only binged four days. Unfortunately, all four of those days have occurred in 2007, and worse yet, two of them were just this past week.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. You'd think that after losing 114 pounds this would get *easier* rather than hard. Sensei and I talked, and he suggested that I start journaling, and also that I go back to the roots.

I do know that it's hard to keep going when your coworkers, who have seen you at your high weight of 266 pounds, keep calling you "skinny." I know. I'm not skinny. Not at 5'1" and 152 pounds. But comparatively speaking, I am a LOT smaller. With all the exercising I do, I'm also pretty muscular.

But it doesn't change the fact that I still have 20 pounds to go. And these last 20 pounds are absolutely killer. I never used to feel sorry for women who "only" had 10 pounds to lose. In fact, I'd roll my eyes about it, because when I was 130+ pounds overweight, 10 pounds seemed like nothing. But now those last few pounds have become a bigger beast than the 100+ pounds that came before them.

I've never been this small before in my entire adult life. Maybe my body doesn't remember life below 150 pounds. But my head does. And my head is being screwed over every time I have a great week, staying on plan, exercising EVERY DAY, and gain a pound. Which is what happened last week. What the heck is up with that???

I think that's the real source of my frustration. Despite all my hard work, I tend to have a pattern now of losing a pound, gaining a pound, and then losing half a pound. Rinse, repeat.

My motivation is almost nil right now. And it's so easy to say, "You're almost at goal. Taking a day off plan won't hurt you."

No, it probably wouldn't. Not if it were only one day. But this is twice this *week* so far. I have got to get it back together. I have to find that disconnect. Because I refuse to go back to the weight I used to be. I love how fit I am now, and I want to become even more so.

But I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not exactly sure why.