Weighty Issues

Yeah, bad pun in the title. So here's the deal: Back in high school I was 160 pounds as a freshman, 135-150 pounds as a sophomore, and closing in on 200 pounds in my junior and senior years. When I was 155-ish pounds or below, I looked fantastic.

I'm currently at 152 pounds, and I have probably five pounds of loose skin on me. But even though I'm technically the same weight I was when I was in high school, I feel like I look a lot worse. My calves are bigger (ok, I shouldn't feel bad about that, because they're incredibly muscular now from all the running and whatnot), my stomach is bigger (a good amount of that is loose skin), etc. Actually, except for those two areas I feel pretty good. And even my calves I feel good about. I just wish they were a TINY bit smaller.

My original Weight Watchers goal weight was 145 pounds. As I dropped pounds, I decided to lower my goal to 133 pounds. At 133 pounds I wouldn't be overweight anymore (I'm only 5'1"), plus it would mean that I've lost exactly half my weight.

But my body isn't cooperating. For a few months now I've been bouncing around the 150's, which I hadn't seen since I was 16. I just CANNOT get below 152.

At what point do I say, "Ok, I'm really healthy, my weight is pretty decent, and I've lost over 100 pounds, so I should go into maintenance"?

I know that a tummy tuck might change things completely. It might make me realize that my weight, as is, is fine. And it would also probably remove a few pounds.

I don't know. I won't starve or do anything drastic to get below 150 pounds, but I'm feeling sort of discouraged lately.

What to wear to the Ren Faire?

It occurred to me last night that the Ren Faire opens in a month and a half. And I've undergrown my bodice, chemise, skirt, etc. Crap.

So I need to figure out 1) what to go as, 2) what to wear, and 3) how to acquire new garb. My skills with a sewing machine aren't quite laughable, but it'd be more productive of me to just work and give money to someone else who has much skill at creating things. Not to mention that the power supply/foot cord to my sewing machine is missing, so it's a moot point anyway.

Pirates 3 naturally makes me want to do the pirate thing. But a lot of people are still doing the pirate thing. Although I *did* like Elizabeth Swann's wardrobe in Pirates 3. Very drool-worthy. But I think I've narrowed it down to a kunoichi or a samurai, sans armor. Now, if I went with the latter, I'd almost already have the outfit. I have a heavy weapons top, hakama, a black obi, bokto, hanbo, jo, etc. However, I have those things because I use them in Weapons class, and I know Sensei would have my hide if I wore my black obi or my hakama outside of class.

But that doesn't mean I can't buy ANOTHER hakama just for use for the Ren Faire.

The kunoichi is a different matter completely. I think I could easily do that one, but no one would know what the heck I am. Well, most people wouldn't. And while it fits in with the period, it's not Elizabethan.

So I'm still thinking about this one.

Long, rambling post

Much fun was had this weekend. So much, in fact, that I almost didn't mind coming in to work today.

On Saturday, Keith and I went to the Domes and de-stressed among the flora. From there we headed to Jujutsu. I got to be the Sempai! There were only two other people in class, but hey...

I did a pretty good job. We got lightly scolded by Sensei for not having our KJJR patches on our gi tops yet, and told that we better have them on by the next time he sees us, which is tonight. "Hai, Sensei." Needless to say, today I have with me my gi top, my patch, some black thread (couldn't find it at first, until I checked my sewing machine...duh), and a couple of needles. Because that patch looks pretty thick.

That night we went to see Pirates, which was fun. On Sunday, John and I spent the night at the hotel, which conveniently has a waterpark attached to it, so John, Keith and I spent a few hours there yesterday. Hauling a tube up several flights of stairs multiple times can INDEED be considered ninja training, as can pulling John and Keith under the waterfall whilst going through the lazy river, despite their almost laughable attempts to avoid it.

When we got done with that, we grilled out. Now, I have NEVER grilled out before. I've eaten food that others have grilled, but I've never actually been the one to cook the food. And I have to say, I think I've found my niche. My mom calls me the queen of nuke (microwave reference), but I made corn on the cob last night that was PERFECT. I also made veggie burgers, soy dogs, portabella mushrooms, onions, and biscuits, all of which came out yummy. I need to use the grill more often.

And then I started a new Star Wars campaign. I've DMd plenty of times before, but never for the d6 Star Wars RPG. But John was practically begging to actually play in one rather than just run it, so I got them started on their characters, and ran a mini-session last night that they liked. After John left, Keith and I took a long walk, went through our current Jujutsu level (testing is going to be any day now, I hope), and just chatted about random things.

All in all, a very busy but fun Memorial Day weekend.

I forgot to mention that John, George, Keith and I (we sound like the Beatles - I call Paul, which means Keith has to be Ringo) saw Pirates 3 last night at the new Marcus Majestic. Very nice theater, and our seats were awesome. Very comfortable chairs.

The movie was great. A bit long and convoluted, and at times a *touch* confusing, but very enjoyable. I definitely liked it better than the second one, which I also find entertaining.

Keira Knightly...*sigh*

I like her as an actress. Or I used to. But between Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, the "I'm trying to come across as a tough pirate-like chick, so I'm going to shriek a lot" thing was getting tiring. Much like a few other actresses, Keira Knightly just doesn't have the charisma or intimidation to pull off her role. Which is too bad, because she's a very lovely girl, and I like her a lot in other movies.

Orlando Bloom. The man just keeps getting hotter and hotter.

On Friday I got to work about 20 or so minutes early, due to no traffic because of the long Memorial Day weekend. AND I found a close parking spot in the garage. So I got out, walked the few feet toward the doors, and saw a barely fledging-aged baby bird huddled near the tire of another car, shivering really badly.

So naturally, because the baby didn't look to be doing so well, I scooped him up, put him in a towel in my car, cranked the heat up, and took him to the Humane Society. Once there, I saw them put the baby in an incubator, filled out a donation card (because I can't just take animals there and not make a donation, even though they already get money from me monthly), and headed *back* to work.

Lost the parking space, which figured, but isn't a big deal, and ended up 10 minutes late, which again isn't a big deal as I'm salaried, and pretty much make my own hours. But it does figure. Ah well. At least I know that the baby bird is doing a lot better.

Friday night was fun. Weapons class was intense, as it has been for the past several weeks. Even though the bokto still feels heavy sometime, I do definitely think I'm getting stronger, and I can see marked improvement in my pecs and arms. The definition is coming along.

Today John and I are going to a really nice hotel for the night, and tomorrow we'll be playing at the waterpark, which is conveniently attached to the hotel.

In other news, I switched back to the Flex plan on Weight Watchers. I had been doing the Core plan for about eight weeks, and although I did enjoy it, toward the end I started to feel too restricted. It doesn't help that I don't like to cook. Now that I'm back on Flex, I feel more control over myself again, which is a great relief.

Maybe binging IS Ninja training

Ok, so maybe binging itself isn't ninja training, but getting back on track certainly is. Even though it's hard to get past the mentality of "I already messed up, so why bother trying to fix it now?" I've always managed to get back on track the very next day after having a binge.

That mentality, however, is the reason so many people continue to put off making healthy lifestyle changes. They mess up one day, and feel like their week is blown. They always say they're going to start Monday, but that magical, life-changing day never comes. Each moment is an opportunity in which to make amends, to make things right.

On a totally unrelated note, my darling boyfriend John donated blood for the first time on Tuesday, which was our 3-year anniversary. I'm very proud of him. Even though I didn't benefit directly from it, I still see it as a beautiful gift to commemorate our anniversary.

One more tangent: Keith and I are now signed up for TWO more 5Ks. This running stuff is getting addictive. Between it and Jujutsu, I can't see myself ever getting out of shape again.

Binging - not so much with the Ninja training

Annoyed at Google for NOT saving my draft, and then timing out after I sent my last post. Grrr.

Anyway, in the just four days short of 17 months that I've been on Weight Watchers, I've only binged four days. Unfortunately, all four of those days have occurred in 2007, and worse yet, two of them were just this past week.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. You'd think that after losing 114 pounds this would get *easier* rather than hard. Sensei and I talked, and he suggested that I start journaling, and also that I go back to the roots.

I do know that it's hard to keep going when your coworkers, who have seen you at your high weight of 266 pounds, keep calling you "skinny." I know. I'm not skinny. Not at 5'1" and 152 pounds. But comparatively speaking, I am a LOT smaller. With all the exercising I do, I'm also pretty muscular.

But it doesn't change the fact that I still have 20 pounds to go. And these last 20 pounds are absolutely killer. I never used to feel sorry for women who "only" had 10 pounds to lose. In fact, I'd roll my eyes about it, because when I was 130+ pounds overweight, 10 pounds seemed like nothing. But now those last few pounds have become a bigger beast than the 100+ pounds that came before them.

I've never been this small before in my entire adult life. Maybe my body doesn't remember life below 150 pounds. But my head does. And my head is being screwed over every time I have a great week, staying on plan, exercising EVERY DAY, and gain a pound. Which is what happened last week. What the heck is up with that???

I think that's the real source of my frustration. Despite all my hard work, I tend to have a pattern now of losing a pound, gaining a pound, and then losing half a pound. Rinse, repeat.

My motivation is almost nil right now. And it's so easy to say, "You're almost at goal. Taking a day off plan won't hurt you."

No, it probably wouldn't. Not if it were only one day. But this is twice this *week* so far. I have got to get it back together. I have to find that disconnect. Because I refuse to go back to the weight I used to be. I love how fit I am now, and I want to become even more so.

But I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not exactly sure why.

Jujutsu and Running: A winning combination

My two loves as far as physical activity is concerned are Jujutsu and running. I do both to some extent at least two or three times a week.

Last night I received my certificate from Sensei for passing 9th Kyu. I immediately photocopied it, stuck the photocopy in my binder with the copies of my race reports and running bibs, and put the original in a frame. I intend to do this with every certificate I own. And then my binder will be a source of inspiration for me. A way to remember my physical accomplishments. When you come from a point where you were morbidly obese and could hardly walk, this is a big deal.

I also sent out Keith and my registration for the next 5K in June. I hope to come in at 35 minutes or less, but even if I don't, I intend to run the entire race, which has been my goal for every 2M or 5K run I've done.

Keith and I have settled into a ritual for our races. We pretty much end up running late but manage to get there in plenty of time anyway, find parking not terribly close to the place where we pick up our packets, and then Keith takes our packets (usually a t-shirt and goodie bag) back to the truck while I meander around, checking the other runners out.

Then we head to the starting line, where the other racers are congregating. I've already learned that bringing my iPod along is pointless because 1) headphones aren't generally allowed at sanctioned races, and 2) it has become a time for Keith and I to bond.

Then I typically see all these super fit (and some who aren't so fit) people, and ask Keith, "Why did I sign us up for this?" This is sort of a private joke between us, because normally I'm the motivator, the one who's all gung-ho and telling Keith, WEEKS before the 5K, how much fun it's going to be.

Keith's response is usually, "I don't know." Yes, come race day, he is just *full* of inspiration.

So then I start asking Keith if I'm bigger or smaller than some other women I spot in the crowd. Because I tend to be insecure, and still don't have an accurate mental picture of what I look like, given how quickly I've lost a lot of weight.

When it's getting close to the time the gun is going to go off, Keith and I wander to the back of the pack, because we know we'll probably be staying there for the duration of the race. When the gun goes off, it's exciting and kind of boring all at the same time. There's that surge of adrenaline, but it's tempered by the fact that there are about 300 people in front of you, so it takes several seconds to get to the point where you're actually moving or running.

But then we're off, and most people end up waaaaay ahead of us. To our credit, we normally pass a good amount of people as well, especially later in the race. If there is one thing I'm phenomenal at in running, it's setting a pace that I can maintain for the entire race. In fact, it's almost eerie how every one of my miles is almost the same, down to the second. And I make sure to keep Keith on pace with me.

So Keith and I jog along, sometimes talking, sometimes just breathing. There are always a few points at which we both want to stop and walk, but we never do. Our goal is to run the entire race, even if we are dead last (which we've never even been close to). Along the way Keith will offer to sing jodies, which are basically those military cadences you hear soldiers sometime chant or sing as they run or march.

Keith knows several from ROTC, but there is one I like the best. It goes like this:

C-130 running down the strip
Airborne ranger on a one way trip
Mission top secret, destination unknown
Don't even know if I'm going home
Stand-up, hook-up, shuffle to the door
Jump right out and count to four
If my main don't open wide
I got a reserve by my side
If that one should fail me too
Look out below I'm comin' through
If I die on the old drop zone
Then box me up and send me home
Pin my jump wings on my chest
Tell my mama I done my best

Now, the first time Keith sang this to me, many years ago, I totally misheard the lyrics and thought one of the lines was, "Look out below, I'm coming for you." Maybe it's because I tend to be an aggressive person. Or maybe I just hear what I want to hear.

So now Keith, during our 5Ks, always adapts the jodie to use that line. And even though we're DYING, panting and wanting to keel over from exhaustion, we both look at each other and smile, because for some reason to us, it's funny. We have some bonds that no one else in the world can even possibly get or understand.

Keith and I also tend to keep each other going. When one of us says we want to slow to a walk, the other pushes to keep going. However, we BOTH usually bitch about Mile 2, and how long it takes to get there. Because the first mile is easy, the last mile isn't bad, but that middle mile feels forever.

And then, when we finally get past that Mile 3 marker, we sprint to the finish. Regardless of our time, as soon as we pass that Finish line, we high-five each other. In fact, we do it several times, because 1) we're so happy it's over, and 2) we usually beat our previous time with every subsequent race we do.

If something ever happens to Keith, I don't know if I could keep running. It just wouldn't be the same without him.

Happy Anniversary

We've had our ups and downs, some pretty knock-down-drag-out fights, and some really awesome times. Thank you for the past three years, my love.

Ugh. After feeling so good on Saturday (still on that runner's high), I went and stuffed my face yesterday. WAY too much sugar that my body is not used to anymore. First there was a bridal shower for my boyfriend's sister, and then one of my best friends graduated from college. So I went from party to party.

Needless to say, it's almost noon and I still haven't eaten yet, because I'm still so full and sick from yesterday's carb overload. Sleep last night didn't come easily, despite taking enough medication to put an elephant out. I pretty much laid in bed, my muscles twitching, actually feeling the chemicals from the food running through me. Not a pleasant feeling when you normally eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and fat free dairy.

My body hates me today, and I can't say I blame it.

Awesome 5K

So it's more or less known that I'm short (5'1"), which means that I have short legs as well. Not exactly built like your typical gazelle-looking runner. For me, running 14-minute miles is pretty much par for the course.

Well, actually, I've been speeding up recently as I've lost weight. But I was still running at least 13:30 miles. Sure, I can run three miles, but they aren't fast OR pretty.

So it was pretty nice to run that 5K today in just under 36 minutes, or 11:42-minute miles, to be exact. I'm really proud of myself, and of Keith, who ran the same pace. It was our fastest 5K yet (granted, only our third race), and I'm looking to beat that in a month when we have our next 5K.

The guy at the the Mile 1 marker had a really nice smile, and was kind enough to say, "It's downhill from here!" I was surprised to learn that, while it wasn't downhill, there weren't any more UPhills, either. In fact, it was a rather pleasant course along the park that wound through the woods, across a bridge and over a wide stream in two different places.

The whole event just felt different, actually. Everyone, from the organizers to the mile marker people to the crowd gathered along the sidelines, was super supportive. We got a lot of cheers, a lot of "Just a bit further, you're doing great!" and a lot of applause. Several kids lined up along the side of the street in the beginning with their hands outstretched. It was so cute. Well, up until they yelled, "Here are the last of them!"

To be fair, we were NOT last. We started out slow, but passed many people up. I personally beat 51 people (including Keith), although that isn't the point of running a 5K. For me, it's about beating my personal best, about facing the fear and the pain and the doubt, and pushing past it.

The guy who took our timing chips at the end was very nice, shook our hands, and told us we did a great job. Seeing that Mile 3 marker come up sooner than I had anticipated was great, so we sprinted the last .1 to the Finish line.

We also got to help out a great charitable organization, got a nifty backpack and t-shirt, and refreshments at the end, which were immediately downed. Water is really nice when you've just finished running 3.1 miles on an 80 degree day.

Weapons class last night was challenging. We got into some advanced things that we're not exactly ready for, but they were fun to learn. I'm surprised I'm not sore today, though. Lots of bokto work.

Today Keith and I have a 5K race. If past 5Ks are any indication, I might not be last, but I'll be in the bottom 10%. However, most people can't even run 5K (3.1 miles), so I'm not exactly feeling sorry for myself.

I'm thankful that it's so beautiful outside today. Our last 5K happened to be during a blizzard. I still remember Keith remarking sometime around Mile 2 that he didn't know if he had another mile in him. I also recall telling him (with several people in earshot) that I would kill him if he stopped running.

Everything IS Ninja Training

I've learned that everything I do is training to be a ninja. When the new dojo was being put together, we hardworking students carried numerous 10' boards across the ice (it was February in Wisconsin, after all), making sure not to collide with any other plank-wielding person.

"Ninja training," Sensei said as he handed me my boards.

After that, *everything* became ninja training. Painting the walls of the new dojo was ninja training. I remember asking Keith, who was my painting partner in crime, if he thought this was some sort of Karate Kid-like training thing, where we were being taught how to do something through the clever use of a mundane task. Keith probably thought the paint fumes got to me. And no, alas, we were just painting the walls. But I *did* learn that I'm damn good at edging. In fact, I was referred to as an "Edging Master." Take from that what you will.

So now everything is ninja training, and I make the joke every chance I get. Dodging bunnies that are repeatedly circling my feet as I try to walk? Ninja training. Showing someone how to use Indexes in Access? Ninja training. Jujutsu....well, that's *obviously* ninja training.

I think those few paragraphs sum me up pretty well. I'm an oddball. I make noises with my mouth just to amuse myself (or annoy others). I roleplay. I take martial arts. I type so fast that jokes are made about me melting my keyboards. I've also graduated from college cum laude despite having three F's on my transcript. And as of last week I've lost 114 pounds through eating healthy and exercising. So yeah, all in all, a pretty normal girl. ;)