I passed my 9th Kyu test for Bikkenjutsu yesterday, as well as my Sho-Kyu test for Bojutsu yesterday! Needless to say, I am still TOTALLY excited and in awe over the weekend. The majority of it was spent at the annual Shibu Kai (regional martial arts seminar) that my Sensei hosts each year. It's held at Marquette University. Students from our dojo and students from other dojos in other states usually attend. It's always a great time. Good training, good lectures, good question and answer sessions, and lots of camaraderie that's built up.
The first day of the Shibu Kai was spent practicing rolls, working on traditional techniques, and working on our levels. There was a lot of good review, and I got a glimpse of what the traditional technique for my next level looks like. In the afternoon we worked on some breathing/meditation techniques, which are always immensely helpful, and then moved into Koryu Karate and Goshinjutsu a bit. Two people tested toward the end of the day, and then there was another lecture of sorts.
Mind you, these aren't lectures in the stereotypically negative connotation. These lectures are always fascinating, informative, and make me reflect for a good amount of time afterward. I just wish I could remember everything that's mentioned. I write down what I can, but sometimes you just miss things.
Yesterday was primarily based on weapons. We worked with rokushaku bo (six-foot staff) and bokken (wooden practice sword), although some people needed to use hanbo (three-foot staff) because not everyone had a rokushaku bo. Later in the morning Sensei announced that those of us who would be testing should start practicing. I was ok with the test, because I've been practicing quite a bit lately, but it still caught me off guard.
I had some of my fellow weapons class friends help me adjust my hakama (pants) and obi (belt) so that they were tight enough. Unfortunately, a problem arose when this happened. I tend to be somewhat extraordinarily claustrophobic, and all of a sudden I just felt very trapped in all my garb, in front of all those people (about 45-50 attended the Shibu Kai), about to take a test.
A panic attack set in. I very quickly ran over to Sensei and quietly asked if I could have a few moments to try to relax. He had me go out into the hallway (the Shibu Kai is held in a ballroom), and wait for him. Once I was in the hallway, I was doing much better, because I knew that I *could* take off my hakama and obi if I needed to.
Anxiety attacks are such a weird mental problem. For me, it's all about either being in control of a situation or not being in control. Yes, I was in control of myself, but just knowing that I felt constricted, and would have to keep feeling restricted in front of all those people, set something off in me. So I waited for Sensei, and he came out to talk to me. I explained the problem, and he very nicely told me that I could change back into my regular gi and belt for the test. I felt bad, because I should be able to wear the traditional garments, but I was also beyond relieved when he said this.
He also talked to me about my fears, and how the situations that make me feel anxious, like getting on a plane or sitting in a car with someone else driving or even taking a test in my hakama and obi, are situations that also propel me forward. They are sometimes necessary for forward movement or progress. He asked me to remember that, and to also take some time to breathe, close my eyes, and remember a time when I didn't feel trapped. So we went through some quiet meditation for a few moments, and I started crying. I felt so foolish, yet so thankful that he had taken the time to do this with me.
After I relaxed, I changed back into my gi, which is loose and comfortable, and practiced a bit with rokushaku bo. Then it was time for the test. Those testing for Chu-Kyu went first, while those of us testing for Sho-Kyu waited in a line behind them, with everyone else sitting behind us. The Chu-Kyu techniques are very interesting, and gave me a good idea of what to expect during our next level.
Then it was our turn. I thought I was going to be nervous, but instead I was an odd mixture of excited and calm. I know my techniques very well, and felt confident in my ability to execute them. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I was going to do the best job I could, regardless.
Sensei and Louis Senpai and Randy Senpai administered the test. They gave the names of the bows and stances very clearly, so I didn't feel lost at any point. Keith and Stan were to either side of me, and although I was focused on what I was doing, I tried to keep them in my peripheral vision – both for safety reasons as well as to make sure that we all moved as one cohesive unit.
I did make one major mistake during the rokushaku bo test. Instead of doing a left-sided strike, I turned around. I realized I had messed up because I noticed that neither Stan nor Keith had done the same thing, and as I was turning back around again, Stan caught my eye and I could see that he was trying to left me know that I had done the wrong thing. He's really good about looking out for me. Unfortunately, it was too late to take back the misstep. All of this happened in the span of about two seconds. Ah well. C'est le vie.
During the same test we switched to hanbo. I didn't make any obvious mistakes with my hanbo. Just general looseness, I think. My techniques could definitely use polishing, but I think I've come a long way since my first class. I really focused on an invisible partner in front of me, and really tried to maintain a strong energy.
Afterward, Sensei gave us our scores. I was somewhat surprised to receive a 99. Either Sensei didn't notice my mistake, or other factors played into the test that made up for my mistake. Maybe he just knew that my mistake was an honest slip. Either way, I was extremely grateful to have passed, and very excited for my friends, who also received quite outstanding scores.
After lunch we switched to sword, and got to practice 9th Kyu through 7th Kyu stances, which were awesome. I love, love, love working with sword. I love my bokken, I love the techniques we learn. I love the mental, physical, and spiritual discipline required to do them. Of course, I probably love them more now that I've actually made myself do 1,000 sword cuts in a row, and have a better appreciation for all the mistakes I constantly make.
Toward the middle of the afternoon session we tested. This time, those of us who were lower ranked and testing for 9th Kyu sword were to test first. I want to say there were about 10 of us. Sensei had me first, and had me order the bow. I did so, slightly nervous, but ok with everything, because I've been practicing so much, especially lately. Sensei then had me name the first technique. For about three seconds my mind went completely blank. Nerves. I have no idea. It was so stupid, because I had just been naming all of them during practice not 15 minutes before that!
Thankfully, none of us had yet picked up our bokken, so that bought me just enough time to remember. Once I named the first technique, we all did it as a group. I thought for sure that Sensei would have Keith, who was next to me, name the second technique, and so on down the line. But nope…Sensei had me name all of them. I would like to just thank whatever spirits were looking out for me during the test, because my memory didn't falter again. In fact, I was sort of disappointed that Sensei didn't have us name all the parts of the sword and scabbard, because that's probably my best area! That's ok, though. Anytime I get through a test unscathed, I'm pretty happy.
At one point Sensei had us pair up to measure the distance between us and our partner. Keith, being next to me, was my partner. I remember looking him in the eye, and seeing tons of confidence on his face. Keith seriously knows his stuff. I tried to give him a smile, but he was pretty serious. That's cool. I totally understand his focus. I felt it too, but at this point I also knew that we had probably at least passed, so I was considerably more relaxed.
That was pretty much the end of the sword test. Sensei had us line up again, and gave us our scores. Almost all of us got a 99, and even John, who doesn't even TAKE Taijutsu, got a 98! I was so proud of him! He's put 300% of himself into preparing for this test this past week, and I knew he was nervous about the Shibu Kai, because he didn't know anyone, and had never experienced this kind of testing before. He did awesome!
When he was giving out the scores, I very nightly nudged both Keith and Stan with my elbows because they also received really good scores, and shot them both a smile. Unfortunately, Sensei caught me doing this and, while I don't know for sure that he was talking expressly to ME, said, "It's not that hard of a level."
Sensei is very good about keeping our egos in check.
I was in such a happy glow about the entire event that I was honestly sad when the Shibu Kai came to an end. I can't even express how cool it is to see about 50 people, all dressed in black gis, bowing in as one, or to see a room full of us with rokushaku bos, all (more or less) moving in precision. At least, we look pretty precise at first glance, if you kinda squint a bit… ;)
Next up – the Tai Kai with Soke in July. I'm already nervous and excited about it.
