Holy CRAP. When I read in February that "Year of the Tiger" was going to be full of humongous changes, I didn't think they were going to be quite THIS huge. To sum up (so far):

1. John and I broke up after six years. Initially I was extremely upset, but for the past three months I've been extraordinarily happy and relieved. That was not the right relationship nor the right person for me. Thank God for both of us that it finally ended.

2. My mom bought her own house and moved out! Yay! I never thought I'd love living alone as much as I have been. Unfortunately, Keith moves in in a month. Ah well.

3. Semi-related to #2, several rooms in my house are being remodeled, including the kitchen and bathroom. The kitchen still isn't done, and I'm sick of eating out. However, the house is looking better than it ever has before, and is cleaner than it's ever been before.

4. I not only passed a kirigami test at the Tai Kai in July, but I also finally passed 4th Kyu in Jujutsu just a few weeks after that.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Not at all. It's incredible. I feel like the real me again, which is something I haven't experienced in many, many years. In addition to everything else, I can now drive stick-shift, will be taking motorcycle-riding lessons soon, and am even starting to fall for someone who's incredibly awesome.

To summarize, 2010 has kicked my ass, and I've taken every single thing that's come my way and turned it into something remarkable.

I totally forgot to post about the Tai Kai. It was awesome. Our Grandmaster, Tanemura Soke, and some of his Shihan had come to Milwaukee for the Tai Kai, as well as a few other dojos and their respective Dojo-Cho. I met some new friends, had fun with my current friends from my dojo, hurt my shoulder (the ONLY downside) doing a Ninpo roll on a hard floor, and watched a couple of people test for Yondan.

I love it when the martial arts seminars come around. A weekend full of martial arts. Nothing to complain about!

Keith and I passed 5th Kyu last night, each of us earning a 97 on our test. W00T!! I write down the score more for my own memory than to brag. Actually, there's no bragging at all in it. It's all because I've already forgotten what my first two belt Kyu test scores were. I think a 97 and a 96, but I'm not positive. I'll have to ask Sensei if he has them.

The test was a huge surprise. My shoulder is "jacked up" as a friend puts it, and the doctor said I strained my *mumblesomethingLatinmumble*, and I told Sensei that last night, but he said we were going to test anyway.

Even though I was surprised, I wasn't terribly nervous. I figured I'm ready for it, and if I'm not, I can test again some other time. It went pretty well! Our traditional technique, Katamuna Dori, was probably the best one I'd ever done. And Sensei was kind to my poor shoulder, and had Keith do Ura Gyaku Henka Dori on someone else. It's a technique that involves several different locks, mostly of the shoulder.

Now Keith and I are on to 4th Kyu! Sweet. :)

John

I just want you to know that I love you.

Real Ninja Training!

Egads. The Tai Kai and documentary viewing are THIS WEEK!! *excited and nervous all at the same time*

Sometimes it's not Ninja training

Sometimes you go through periods in your life where everything you do falls completely apart. That's where I am right now.

In addition to battling severe depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness and anger, John no longer seems to want to be with me. He and I have been having some struggles lately, but I've been working toward things on the "list" (he and I created lists of issues that we wanted to discuss with the other) and thought I had been making improvements. I've been with him for four years, and really thought he was "the one", but almost every week it seems like he's pulling further and further away.

What does a person do when she's already feeling depressed? She clings, of course. Last night I begged John not to leave me. Although I totally understand, emotionally, why I do that, I can't reconcile with it rationally.

If someone doesn't want to be with you, why should you want to be with them? And, if you truly love them, why should you try to force them to be with you?

So that's where I am right now. And exhausted. Not sleeping well lately has taken its toll on me.

Things are interesting right now

Last Tuesday, two days after passing 9th Kyu sword and Sho-Kyu staff, I received an email stating that my iaito (training sword) was finished and had shipped to my house! The timing, less than six weeks after I ordered it, felt like a Godsend. It actually felt like a reward for my passing my weapons tests.

I tracked it through the Japanese EMS shipping site. In one day it went from the Kyoto prefecture to the Osaka prefecture, and a day and a half later was in Chicago. I received it on Friday. And wouldn't you know it - snow kept us from having a weapons class Friday night!

Grrr.

But I had a massage scheduled with Dan Sensei on Saturday morning, so he still got to see it right away. He thoroughly approved of my iaito, which I am still trying not to drool over. I L-O-V-E it. It's gorgeous. Below are a couple of quick shots I took of it.

Keith ordered his iaito 10 days after I ordered mine, so if it's made as quickly as mine was, it should be shipping early next week! And, not to be outdone, John ordered his iaito today as well.

In related news, I think martial arts have become my life. In relaxed moments at work, I find myself looking at the e-budo site, or reading Tanemura Soke's book, or mentally going over Kyu-level techniques and things I learned at the Shibu Kai.

In UNrelated news, I received my merit increase (aka raise) last week. Without going into details, I will just say that it was a very nice raise, and I am very grateful for it.

I passed my 9th Kyu test for Bikkenjutsu yesterday, as well as my Sho-Kyu test for Bojutsu yesterday! Needless to say, I am still TOTALLY excited and in awe over the weekend. The majority of it was spent at the annual Shibu Kai (regional martial arts seminar) that my Sensei hosts each year. It's held at Marquette University. Students from our dojo and students from other dojos in other states usually attend. It's always a great time. Good training, good lectures, good question and answer sessions, and lots of camaraderie that's built up.

The first day of the Shibu Kai was spent practicing rolls, working on traditional techniques, and working on our levels. There was a lot of good review, and I got a glimpse of what the traditional technique for my next level looks like. In the afternoon we worked on some breathing/meditation techniques, which are always immensely helpful, and then moved into Koryu Karate and Goshinjutsu a bit. Two people tested toward the end of the day, and then there was another lecture of sorts.

Mind you, these aren't lectures in the stereotypically negative connotation. These lectures are always fascinating, informative, and make me reflect for a good amount of time afterward. I just wish I could remember everything that's mentioned. I write down what I can, but sometimes you just miss things.

Yesterday was primarily based on weapons. We worked with rokushaku bo (six-foot staff) and bokken (wooden practice sword), although some people needed to use hanbo (three-foot staff) because not everyone had a rokushaku bo. Later in the morning Sensei announced that those of us who would be testing should start practicing. I was ok with the test, because I've been practicing quite a bit lately, but it still caught me off guard.

I had some of my fellow weapons class friends help me adjust my hakama (pants) and obi (belt) so that they were tight enough. Unfortunately, a problem arose when this happened. I tend to be somewhat extraordinarily claustrophobic, and all of a sudden I just felt very trapped in all my garb, in front of all those people (about 45-50 attended the Shibu Kai), about to take a test.

A panic attack set in. I very quickly ran over to Sensei and quietly asked if I could have a few moments to try to relax. He had me go out into the hallway (the Shibu Kai is held in a ballroom), and wait for him. Once I was in the hallway, I was doing much better, because I knew that I *could* take off my hakama and obi if I needed to.

Anxiety attacks are such a weird mental problem. For me, it's all about either being in control of a situation or not being in control. Yes, I was in control of myself, but just knowing that I felt constricted, and would have to keep feeling restricted in front of all those people, set something off in me. So I waited for Sensei, and he came out to talk to me. I explained the problem, and he very nicely told me that I could change back into my regular gi and belt for the test. I felt bad, because I should be able to wear the traditional garments, but I was also beyond relieved when he said this.

He also talked to me about my fears, and how the situations that make me feel anxious, like getting on a plane or sitting in a car with someone else driving or even taking a test in my hakama and obi, are situations that also propel me forward. They are sometimes necessary for forward movement or progress. He asked me to remember that, and to also take some time to breathe, close my eyes, and remember a time when I didn't feel trapped. So we went through some quiet meditation for a few moments, and I started crying. I felt so foolish, yet so thankful that he had taken the time to do this with me.

After I relaxed, I changed back into my gi, which is loose and comfortable, and practiced a bit with rokushaku bo. Then it was time for the test. Those testing for Chu-Kyu went first, while those of us testing for Sho-Kyu waited in a line behind them, with everyone else sitting behind us. The Chu-Kyu techniques are very interesting, and gave me a good idea of what to expect during our next level.

Then it was our turn. I thought I was going to be nervous, but instead I was an odd mixture of excited and calm. I know my techniques very well, and felt confident in my ability to execute them. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I was going to do the best job I could, regardless.

Sensei and Louis Senpai and Randy Senpai administered the test. They gave the names of the bows and stances very clearly, so I didn't feel lost at any point. Keith and Stan were to either side of me, and although I was focused on what I was doing, I tried to keep them in my peripheral vision – both for safety reasons as well as to make sure that we all moved as one cohesive unit.

I did make one major mistake during the rokushaku bo test. Instead of doing a left-sided strike, I turned around. I realized I had messed up because I noticed that neither Stan nor Keith had done the same thing, and as I was turning back around again, Stan caught my eye and I could see that he was trying to left me know that I had done the wrong thing. He's really good about looking out for me. Unfortunately, it was too late to take back the misstep. All of this happened in the span of about two seconds. Ah well. C'est le vie.

During the same test we switched to hanbo. I didn't make any obvious mistakes with my hanbo. Just general looseness, I think. My techniques could definitely use polishing, but I think I've come a long way since my first class. I really focused on an invisible partner in front of me, and really tried to maintain a strong energy.

Afterward, Sensei gave us our scores. I was somewhat surprised to receive a 99. Either Sensei didn't notice my mistake, or other factors played into the test that made up for my mistake. Maybe he just knew that my mistake was an honest slip. Either way, I was extremely grateful to have passed, and very excited for my friends, who also received quite outstanding scores.

After lunch we switched to sword, and got to practice 9th Kyu through 7th Kyu stances, which were awesome. I love, love, love working with sword. I love my bokken, I love the techniques we learn. I love the mental, physical, and spiritual discipline required to do them. Of course, I probably love them more now that I've actually made myself do 1,000 sword cuts in a row, and have a better appreciation for all the mistakes I constantly make.

Toward the middle of the afternoon session we tested. This time, those of us who were lower ranked and testing for 9th Kyu sword were to test first. I want to say there were about 10 of us. Sensei had me first, and had me order the bow. I did so, slightly nervous, but ok with everything, because I've been practicing so much, especially lately. Sensei then had me name the first technique. For about three seconds my mind went completely blank. Nerves. I have no idea. It was so stupid, because I had just been naming all of them during practice not 15 minutes before that!

Thankfully, none of us had yet picked up our bokken, so that bought me just enough time to remember. Once I named the first technique, we all did it as a group. I thought for sure that Sensei would have Keith, who was next to me, name the second technique, and so on down the line. But nope…Sensei had me name all of them. I would like to just thank whatever spirits were looking out for me during the test, because my memory didn't falter again. In fact, I was sort of disappointed that Sensei didn't have us name all the parts of the sword and scabbard, because that's probably my best area! That's ok, though. Anytime I get through a test unscathed, I'm pretty happy.

At one point Sensei had us pair up to measure the distance between us and our partner. Keith, being next to me, was my partner. I remember looking him in the eye, and seeing tons of confidence on his face. Keith seriously knows his stuff. I tried to give him a smile, but he was pretty serious. That's cool. I totally understand his focus. I felt it too, but at this point I also knew that we had probably at least passed, so I was considerably more relaxed.

That was pretty much the end of the sword test. Sensei had us line up again, and gave us our scores. Almost all of us got a 99, and even John, who doesn't even TAKE Taijutsu, got a 98! I was so proud of him! He's put 300% of himself into preparing for this test this past week, and I knew he was nervous about the Shibu Kai, because he didn't know anyone, and had never experienced this kind of testing before. He did awesome!

When he was giving out the scores, I very nightly nudged both Keith and Stan with my elbows because they also received really good scores, and shot them both a smile. Unfortunately, Sensei caught me doing this and, while I don't know for sure that he was talking expressly to ME, said, "It's not that hard of a level."

Sensei is very good about keeping our egos in check.

I was in such a happy glow about the entire event that I was honestly sad when the Shibu Kai came to an end. I can't even express how cool it is to see about 50 people, all dressed in black gis, bowing in as one, or to see a room full of us with rokushaku bos, all (more or less) moving in precision. At least, we look pretty precise at first glance, if you kinda squint a bit… ;)

Next up – the Tai Kai with Soke in July. I'm already nervous and excited about it.

One step closer to being a true Ninja

Last night I had my 7th Kyu test for Jujutsu. It wasn't my normal night, but Sensei had said to show up, because he isn't going to be around for our normal class on Thursday.

Keith and I got there (we both tested), and immediately saw our friend David, who ALSO tested for the same level. There were also five other guys who I know and like. So we're talking eight people, which is about typical for a class.

Apparently it was also newbie night, because we had FIVE new people who were there as well. Figures. I'm about to test, and now there are TONS of eyes on me. Oh yay.

But as it turns out, my nerves vanished almost immediately after class began. I sort of took on the whole attitude of, "You've spent five months working on this Kyu. If you know it, it will show tonight. If you don't know it, you'll find out what you need to work on."

When the test actually started I was excited, but not exactly nervous. My kiais were strong, and I really brought out the power and focus. Sensei even said as much when the test was over. Even though the techniques were the same ones I've been working on for the past five months, I put so much energy into them during the test that I was actually sweating and panting at the end of the test.

The end result? A 99 out of 100. That's the highest score you can get in a martial arts test. Otherwise, why are you there if you can do everything perfectly?

Keith scored a 97 and did very well as my uke, and David also turned out a 99. David and I were each going at the same time, so I didn't really get a chance to see how he did.

On to 6th Kyu. Which means LOTS of throws. Poor Keith. I'm one of the shortest people in the dojo, which means it's harder for whoever has to throw me. Mwahahaha. But as Sensei said, if you can't throw them, punch them.

I'm getting a new bokken for my birthday/Christmas from John!! *squee* It's from Kingfisher Woodworks.

Keith thinks I should get the inscription (in Kanji, of course) "kankei", which means strength in spite of smallness.

Keith's looking to get smacked. However, I admittedly did also see that one and like it, even before he mentioned that it made him think of me.

So in normal Traci fashion, I've again neglected to post anything for a couple of months. Ah well.

Alien Loves Predator is seriously some of the funniest shit I've seen since 8-bit Theater. I nearly peed myself last night reading #68. Which is ironic, given what the comic is about that day.

I think John and Keith were concerned because I was laughing so hard that I almost stopped breathing for a minute.

Isn't it ironic?

The title of this entire blog, and I go two full weeks without posting about the 1st Annual Ninja Camp (technically a Shibu Kai). And, alas, I have to go a little bit longer without doing so.

Quick sum up: Bo-shuriken, Kyudo, Ninpo, Rokushaku Bo, Hanbo. Not to mention the requisite woods training. We are, after all, ninja.

And how convenient that my outdoor tabi arrived *after* Ninja Camp. *sigh*

So apparently I have this thing called a life. I didn't used to have one. I used to come home, get on the computer, and be a bum. In the past year and a half I've taken up running, gone back to Jujutsu, etc.

I literally have something going on every single Saturday and Sunday for the next two or three months. Whether it's Ninja Camp, or a 5K race, or a marathon, or a wedding, or the Ren Faire, I'm booked for it.

This came up somewhat recently when Keith asked me if I was busy a few Sundays from now. I immediately and confidently said, "Yes," but when he asked what I'm busy doing (half the activities he's participating in anyway), I got a blank look on my face, akin to deer-in-headlights, and said, "I don't know. But I know I AM busy." And then I immediately started mentally jogging through (no pun intended) all of the races I've registered for.

I think I finally remember what it was a few minutes later, and now I've forgotten again. That's why Google calendar is such a handy tool to have, kids.

In semi-related news that I'm sure I've mentioned before, I'm officially in training for a triathlon. Or many triathlons. We'll see how the first one goes. I have the running part down, and I feel comfortable about the biking part. The swimming part....? Well, I just got my order of new goggles, new swim cap, and new kickboard in, and they've been helping me tremendously.

In totally UNRELATED news, John got me this absolutely gorgeous ring. It has very small diamonds in it, which I like, because big stones drive me nuts and make me fidget and remove rings, subsequently losing or misplacing them. This one is so nicely shaped that I usually forget I'm wearing it. And it's in a size 6.5, as opposed to all my other rings, which are size 8.5 due to what I *used* to weigh. So I adore this one. :) John is awesome.

After the 5K I had on Thursday, I had *another* 5K on Saturday morning. Keith was in rare form, forgetting his bib, his timing chip that I had paid for that he picked up AHEAD OF TIME, and for which I will get charged since he can't find it (GRRRR), so when we actually lined up for the race, we had about 10 seconds to get mentally prepped for it, AND we started behind all of the runners and walkers, and there were about 1,300 people in this particular race.

All that being said, I ran my fastest 5K yet. Thankfully I had my Nike+ kit on, and it tracked me at roughly 10:30-minute miles, which makes me really happy. I'm really looking for a sub 30-minute 5K, and I'm getting pretty close to it!

But honestly, I'm just happy I could run two good 5Ks in three days, in addition to Weapons class, walking around Festa Italiana for a few hours, AND going to Jujutsu on Saturday after the second race.

I took a much-deserved break from exercise yesterday, probably my first day off in a month.

In other (semi) related news, Sensei sent out an email about Ninja Camp. Two days of training in martial arts (Ninpo included), archery, shuriken-throwing, woods training, weapons, etc. That's going to be awesome, and then I can make all of the "This one time at Ninja Camp.." jokes.

Another 5K down...one more to go this week. Yes, I am insane for registering for two 5K races less than 48 hours apart. Not to mention the fact that I have Weapons class tomorrow night, and Jujutsu after the 5K on Saturday.

I'm happy to say that I beat my PR by over two minutes. I came in at 33:40, I believe, which equates to around 11-minute miles. That's a far cry from the 42:18 I did at my first race. Granted, that WAS during a blizzard, but still. Eventually I WILL break that 10-minute mile mark. I can't help it if i have shorter legs than most.

The course was beautiful. It went along Lake Michigan, and then wound around a lagoon before heading back to the Summerfest grounds. I believe the Irish Fest 5K is going to be similar. The 5K on Saturday will be taking place at Miller Park, which should be interesting.

After the 5K, Keith and I wandered around Festa Italiana for a couple of hours, so needless to say, I'm pretty tired. Off to bed I go! :)

I just checked the weather for Friday, which is the next time I have Weapons class. Mercifully it's only going to be in the 70's. I've learned a new equation:

Hot bodies + hot dojo + weapons practice + Traci in a heavy weapons gi top, shirt, pants, hakama, hachimaki, and tabi = BAD

Between work, which has been driving me nuts, and everything else life is throwing at me, I think I'm losing my mind.

I hear about these TV shows that I should see. Bwahahaha...when?? Let's see, I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, go to the gym or the dojo, help my father with his homework or go to a wedding or something else that sort of mandates my presence, etc.

I've had absolutely no time to just sit and chill and do nothing. I used to be jealous of the people who said things like, "There just aren't enough hours in the day," and now I'm one of them.

Yeah, I could quit my job, stop exercising, stop going to martial arts....but I've committed to each of them, and while I am still very committed, I just want a freaking break. Just one day to myself where I don't do anything but play video games.

Now that I've vented, time to go back to planning my triathlon training. Yes, I realize that I'm doing this to myself, and therefore shouldn't bitch about it, but ah well.

I got to see John almost every day this past week, from Tuesday night on. That was very refreshing, as normally I only get to see him on the weekends. Much-needed reconnectiong happened, at least on my end.

Yesterday Keith and I went to the Ren Faire. I had to get an entire new outfit. The old chemise, skirt, and bodice were so big on me that they pretty much fell off when I put them on. My credit cards are screaming at me, but I have gorgeous new garb and a lovely ear wrap.

In other totally unrelated news, I ate way too much over the past week. Between the wedding, stress and fatigue, and the Faire, I just let go. I did have a few good days, but overall the week was a wash. I'm starting all over again today. I have 26 pounds left to go to get to goal.

I'm also starting my training for the sprint triathlon today. It's going to be really difficult to work in a swimming/biking/running/weights regimen in addition to the martial arts and weapons classes, but I think I'll be able to do it.

Weapons class was interesting. At one point Sensei (who I've considered a friend ever since we worked at Barnes & Noble together nine years ago) was talking about holding and using a hanbo (3' staff) correctly so that you don't slam it up into another guy's crotch. Sensei was saying how you want to control the hanbo, "so you don't lose your stick."

Ok, sick-minded individual that I am, I figure it's a pun on his part. Slamming some guy in the groin = him losing his stick? Anyway, I start giggling, and I'm THE ONLY ONE doing so. Sensei said, "I don't mean THAT way."

How ironic is it that, among a group of all guys and being the only girl, I'M the one who gets the inadvertent penis pun?

Now, the semi-bad part is that it took me several minutes to stop giggling, but Sensei was kind enough not to tell me to shut up already.

Side note: I pulled a Hermione Granger at the end of class. Sensei was pointing to various parts of the sword and asking people for the names (in Japanese). I, um, knew all of them. We're talking something like 20+ different parts. And I was the only one who knew all of them. A few others knew a couple. But yeah, I felt like a show-off.

But the parts I knew included: Mono Uchi, Hamon, Ha, Hi, Mune, Mekugi, Menuki, Shinogi, Seppa, Habaki, Fuchi, Ito, Same, Sageo, Saya, Kashira, Kojiri, Kuri-Kata, Koiguchi, Yokote, Kissaki, Yakiba, Ji, Tsuka, Tsuba, etc.

The past two days were fun, but very hectic. John's sister Angie got married on July 4th. I was sort of the self-appointed backup photographer, and shockingly enough the pictures turned out really well.

It was also a LOT of running around, not getting much sleep, etc. And I stuffed my face pretty bad. Not as bad as I once would have, but let's just say that my body hates me right now. As of today I'm officially detoxing by not touching anything with sugar in it.

I looked really good for the wedding, and was very happy to wear a size 8 dress.

John and I were together from 2pm on Wednesday until 9pm last night, and I have to say that being apart from him today has been sort of rough. I hardly ever get to spend that much alone time with him, so it was VERY welcome. And now I miss him.

He was so sweet to me, and looked absolutely incredibly handsome in his suit at the wedding. I even managed to get a couple pictures of him smiling, which is awesome.

Yesterday morning we went swimming at the hotel before heading off to the wedding site to help his mom take back the wedding decorations. Rather, HE swam and I sort of shivered a lot in the pool and had him just sort of hold on to me to keep me warm. Real auspicious start to my triathlon training, there.

Oh yeah, I'm officially declaring that I'm going to start training for a triathlon! I have the running part down, can probably do the biking part, but the swimming part is sort of non-existent at this point for me. I did order a swim cap and goggles though, and my training will begin next week. I have almost a year to get ready, which should be sufficient.